Sven I

Sven I was a king of Denmark and England

In 985 AD he became king of Jómsborg after a rebellion in his mid twenties. Consolidating his hold on Denmark after the death of his father, he raided England, and was proclaimed king of Norway after the battle of Svöld.

He returned to England after his sister Gunhilda and her husband Pallig were killed in Ethelred’s St Brice’s Day Massacre in St Frideswide’s.

In the beginning of the new millennium, famine forced Sven to return home. Sven died following a fall from his horse, aged 54, and was buried at Roskilde cathedral in Eastern Denmark, on the island of Sjaelland.

Sven I was the first king to mint coins.

Words of the Fairy God-fellow

Deck the hands with balls of palsey

and fettle your fishy finery.

Three cheers for the christian capitalist

— in the person of the father

and of the son

and of the holy ghost, amen —

and a festoon of fairy tales for the half-wit graduates of sunday school.

These as we now know are the three great fallacies:

that god is dead

that there can be a christian capitalist

that there can be a holy murderer.

For if god is dead, who will bury the innocent?

And if there is a christian capitalist, where would he buy the camel?

If there is a holy murderer, is not his god as dead as the doorknob?

Maybe as they say

god was killed by boredom and disgust at the human species.

Maybe the christian capitalist goes to church every sunday.

Maybe the holy murderer employs a cast of millions

to create enough euphemisms

to get him through the eye.

When a lassie meets a laddie.

Needle in a haystack, two bits.